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I've been toying with the idea of putting this down in writing for some time.  It's a hard subject for me to deal with as it makes me face many things I don't think I really want to.  But I saw an article today (linked below) that made me rethink a couple of things and gave me... in some small, obscure way... a touch of hope, and the courage to speak my mind.

It comes as no be shock to anyone that I am overweight.  Nay, obese, Nay morbidly obese.  But I suspect that most of my friends - or my family for that matter - know JUST how obese I am.

At last weight - before going on leave, I was just shy of 200kg.

Now... I suspect that some of you have held ideas that I might be pushing that barrier for some time.  It is, by far the heaviest I have ever been, and trying to put into words the depth of my unhappiness with that situation I can't even start to address here.  But my weight is an intersting beast... as I nothing to compare it to... a fundemental problem I have had is... I've always been overweight.  From the age of about 4 I have always been bigger than average... and my weight has never "jumped"... just a slow plodding increase year by year, kilo by kilo creeping up on me like a slow moving spectre.  I've learned to live with it... and then I see something like this...

http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/health/jodie-sinclair-the-obese-woman-who-prefers-dole-payments-to-weight-loss-surgery/story-fneuzlbd-1227196209640

This is where I find myself wondering has my slow increase worked in my favour.  I read there that she needs a mobility scooter to get around.  Thankfully I haven't gotten to that point, my body can still support my frame standing up... yes it's a chore and if I can find a place to plonk my ass I will... but the idea of having to use one of those repulses me more than all my flobby bits combined.  That being said, there are days when I sincerely need to consider if I need a cane, but even then, I will usually just grit my teeth and get on with it.  Could I go further, faster with a scooter... probably... would it be less of pain for my family and friends to shop with me... again possibily, though I think some if not all would be mortifed past the usual moritification they experience being out with as I am.

This girl is doing herself no favours... a fry up every breakfast?  Shit, I'm lucky if i remember to EAT breakfast!  and this is where the issue comes... my eating...

I will eat for convenience... not because I don't like, or don't know how to cook... I love cooking... I enjoy it... and I'm not bad at it... but the sheer energy I need to expend usually ends up outweighing the effort of cooking for one person!  Yes it doesn't help that I am a mega food snob who can't stand a reheated meal (unless it's a pasta dish).  If I want to eat, I want it to be fresh not microwaved/reheated to within an inch of its life...  In fact probably my favourite dish is a nice piece of fish with salad, and at a buffet I will usually go for the salads and cold meats before the hot food, so eating the right food isn't the problem... mostly it's the energy... I have none.

I go back to work after a break on Tuesday... my first shift is until 6.15pm... by the time I get home it's 7pm and it is all that I can do not to fall face first asleep just inside the door.  So what's the answer?  Pick something up?  or... luckily on my late days, I usually drop in for tea at Mum and Dad's.

But it's not just cooking... housework is another... next time you are sprucing up your digs, think on this... what would it be like carrying around 2, 3 or 4 fully grown humans while you were doing your chores?  daunting thought huh... that's my reality.  for every action I take I need to take into consideration at 5'5" I should weight around 49.2 - 66.4 kgs meaning at any given moment I have an average of two extra people on me.  I look around my house and don't know where to start.   Simple chores that you would not even stop to consider can become major hurdles for me.  I'm drowning in detris that I want to fix but am getting lost in...  it's just easier to hide under the covers and say fuck it!  And while the girl in that article expects life to hand her a carer, a cleaner and all points between... I am too proud.  I could never ever bring myself to that point... the idea of a stranger adding to my embarassment makes me want to gag!

I'm not trying to make excuses for myself here... I know what my faults are... and I know that I am the only one who can change them.  Have I considered medical intervention... I certainly have... but then... I have seen how badly things can go wrong for people too so the boat is still out on that one.

We are probably looking to move later this year, and I am actually looking for a place with a pool, or the room for a small pool or swim spa.  I lost most of my weight when I could get to the pool.  Now, there are obviously many pools around the Perth area, but honestly... as much as I like to been seen to 'brush it off', the idea of slithering into the pool like an exhibit at Seaworld scares the living shit out of me... I put up a good front... but the eyes boring into my back and the furtive whispers from behind the hands of strangers is very hard to bear.  The looks a see from even friends and family is enough to make me want to curl up and die, and the worst part about that is... they don't even know they are doing it...

Nothing would please me more than being able to squirrel away enough money to be able to go somewhere for 6-12 months to focus wholly and solely on getting me well.  But unfortunately that like most of my dreams are just flights of fancy and I have to live in the real world.  I wonder what the conditions of being "Too fat to work" and claiming disabilty would be???  <just joking>

If you have found this post repulsive, I understand... its not the most joyous thing I have written... but I feel I need to put it down so that I can accept who I am and do what I need to do...

Meme...

caz963  put this one up on her LJ - so I had to reply... Her responses were... interesting :D

1) Comment to this and I will give you three people.
2) Post this meme with your answers.
3) Provide pictures and the names of the three people I gave you.
4) Label which you would marry, shag, and throw off a cliff.

The Three she gave me...

Anthony Edwards
Londo Mollari
Russell Crowe


So the winners are...Collapse )

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It's been a while...

I haven't really had reason to come to LJ for a bit, not for my own purposes anyway.

Live wanders on as it does, I have moved within my department into what they call Customer Service and Solutions - fancy name for Call Centre.

The move was a bit of a trauma for some because they were made to go owing to a reshuffle. I decided to be the captain of my own destiny as it were and made the jump feet first. For me - not so much an issue, I have been CC'd before on a couple of times and to be perfectly honest, answering calls and makes the day go faster - Accounts was boring my arse off!

I've had a pretty eye opening few months with a couple of big decisions coming my way overall and my life is a bit better for it. Not big things - more along the lines of living a life that make ME feel good. Steering away (as best I can - I still have a couple of hurdles in internet forum circles) from the shit that used to drag me down before. Reading, watching, listening to only that which makes me feel better as a person :D

What that includes some people might think is a bit naff but honest - too bloody bad... if I can go to bed at night, knowing I have had a bloody good laugh during the day, well I feel better about me!

It's not all successful just yet because I can still get arced up pretty easily, but I am learning...

My obsessive personality still lurks and the "Wildish Woman" inside is coming to terms with having a bit of control once in a while - there are truly days when all you want to do is howl at the moon occasionally, and that's just FINE! :D

My Life According To...

Hopelessly filched from coloneljack  She did West Wing, As I am still on a bender... I'm doing Herc,  (wish I was doing.... oh... never mind....)


My Life According To Hercules The Legendary JourniesCollapse )

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Just a note to you...

You are funny, wicked, intelligent, mindblowingly awesomely incredible and the hotness of your person is beyond all understanding... Tis such a shame you are married!

Just thought I would tell you!

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First Line Meme...

Stolen from angriest 

Post the name and first line of any writing you have done (or are WIP)... (remember people I am a fanfic writer here... don't get too excited)

West Wing Fics

Drunk
Josh closed his eyes and attempted to brace his throbbing head in his hands.

The First of Every Month
February 1st... The room felt… weird. He had been in it a million times before, and he had been coming into it every day for the last twelve days.

The Green Card

He looked down at his watch as he threw the car keys onto the side board.

Don't Pay the Ferryman (WIP)
“Do you really have to go?”  he whined as she packed up her desk for the day.

Coming in From the Cold
Josh found her alone at the back of the hotel lounge bar with a drink of carnival proportions sitting in front of her.

Next Time Round
Leo spotted Josh sat in the carver chair by the window of the hotel suite doubling as the Santos/McGarry War Room.  Whatever was on the paper in his hands it was clear that Josh wasn’t paying any attention to it.  Instead he sat staring out over the Philadelphia skyline, his eyes distant – where ever his head was at, it wasn’t with the rest of him in Philly.

Harbinger
The elevator was taking forever…

Timepiece
It was 5pm on Wednesday afternoon and Josh was finally ready for bed.  Not that it was his idea really… he was only doing it to get Lou and Donna off his back.

Joshua
Josh turned away from the Whitehouse and was making his way back towards the OEOB.

Shenandoah
It had been a truly wonderful day so far. Josh put the picnic basket down on a grassy patch between two towering oak trees as Donna flicked out the blanket and sat down.

Buffy Fics

Passing Ships - WIP

Rupert Giles was burning the midnight oil... Again!

Sunnydale Salem - WIP

“Oh really!  This is too much!” Rupert Giles exclaimed as he walked into the library, there laid out on his desk before him was a puritan type costume with WEAR ME – OR ELSE written on a sheet of paper beside it.

Accusations - WIP
It was a picture of perfect serenity.

Other Randoms

Enough Rope - The 10th Kingdom (WIP)

Virginia Lewis-Wolfson looked lovingly down at the snuggling bundle lying beside her.

Descendants - Forever Knight - (WIP)
The alarm buzzed like a distraught bee on the table beside Nicks bed.

The Secret - Hercules (WIP)
“This can not be happening!” Autolycus muttered as he rattled the very sturdy bars of the cage surrounding him.  Caught!  By the oldest trick in the book!  He was the King of Thieves!  He shouldn’t be in this position… it was… well… embarrassing!








Paverpol... the new obsession ;D

On the weekend I had a go at a new material medium called Paverpol - it's basically a clear polymer that can be used to solidify material to a state where it can be put out into the elements as a statue etc...

It's awesome fun...  I can do a statuette like these in about three hours once you have prepped everything.

These two I did by adding a pigment to the paverpol to get the colour...


"Sienna"

My first doll - she was done in class


"Because I like it"

This was my first attempt at home... the white plastic tie around his hand is to bind his gauntlet on - I will remove it when the paverpol is dry.
(bonus points if someone can reference the name of the piece correctly *grin*)

I'm a Doctor Not a Pin Up Girl!

This is the quote that Karl Urban wrote on the poster behind his signing booth at Supa Nova this weekend.

To everyone from Swancon who came on down to check it out, I hope you all had as an amazing time as I did.

The atmosphere was great, the guests were engaging and I am certain that there will be a few interesting photos buzzing around in the not to distant future.

Our "Morale Officer" Coryann was BIG splash with Con goers and Con guests alike and she turned heads wherever she went (what can we say she enjoys her job) 

A full report on the weekend should be available online from our site at the end of this week.  Stay tuned because our next PR will be out around the same time.

Tickets for Harry Potter 6 sold well, so if you haven't already booked yours email me at 2010screenings@parasolonline.com for your booking...  We should also have some good news on a confirmed venue for 2010 in the very near future - so stay tuned for that one.

Until next time...  Bye Bye and Bye Bons



Stupidness....

Some of my work mates are now officially sure that I am a total whack job... not that a really blame them after today.

Last night I had put the "Web of Desire" from season 4 of Hercules on before I went to be - one of the ever present moral message was - don't accept rides from strangers.

Okay... so this is all good.  Fast forward to today...

It all started with a quick cuppa...

We were down stair getting our respective "Joes" when a ute pulled up beside us... it was for a company called Hercules Crane Hire...  On the back panel of the ute was the slogan

Hercules
"Don't accept lifts from strangers"

Obviously it was a play on the 'lift' as in hydrolic kind...

I took one look and this and started giggling a little manically.  My friends looked at me kind of strange... the more I looked at them and the sign the more I started to laugh... then when I tried to explain that I couldn't tell them what I was laughing at because it was a personal joke and they wouldn't understand, the worse I became... I ended up snorting and crying with laughter at the ridiculousness of my situation...

My salvation came when I ran into one friend who at least shared some of the same interests as me and so I was able to blurt out - between gales of laughter and tears, the gist of the hillarity.  Otherwise I think I would stll be going!

That was my random moment of fun for the day... stupid, personal and just down right funny to me - and if I can make myself laugh... well then i am doing okay!

Loony Alert!

You know you are either sleep deprived or in serious need of psychiatric assistance when you catch yourself making comment on what 'heaven' would be for you...   and instead of fantasing the 'characters' they play, you mention the two actors by name!

Oh dear... well... a girl can hope :D

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