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I've been toying with the idea of putting this down in writing for some time.  It's a hard subject for me to deal with as it makes me face many things I don't think I really want to.  But I saw an article today (linked below) that made me rethink a couple of things and gave me... in some small, obscure way... a touch of hope, and the courage to speak my mind.

It comes as no be shock to anyone that I am overweight.  Nay, obese, Nay morbidly obese.  But I suspect that most of my friends - or my family for that matter - know JUST how obese I am.

At last weight - before going on leave, I was just shy of 200kg.

Now... I suspect that some of you have held ideas that I might be pushing that barrier for some time.  It is, by far the heaviest I have ever been, and trying to put into words the depth of my unhappiness with that situation I can't even start to address here.  But my weight is an intersting beast... as I nothing to compare it to... a fundemental problem I have had is... I've always been overweight.  From the age of about 4 I have always been bigger than average... and my weight has never "jumped"... just a slow plodding increase year by year, kilo by kilo creeping up on me like a slow moving spectre.  I've learned to live with it... and then I see something like this...


This is where I find myself wondering has my slow increase worked in my favour.  I read there that she needs a mobility scooter to get around.  Thankfully I haven't gotten to that point, my body can still support my frame standing up... yes it's a chore and if I can find a place to plonk my ass I will... but the idea of having to use one of those repulses me more than all my flobby bits combined.  That being said, there are days when I sincerely need to consider if I need a cane, but even then, I will usually just grit my teeth and get on with it.  Could I go further, faster with a scooter... probably... would it be less of pain for my family and friends to shop with me... again possibily, though I think some if not all would be mortifed past the usual moritification they experience being out with as I am.

This girl is doing herself no favours... a fry up every breakfast?  Shit, I'm lucky if i remember to EAT breakfast!  and this is where the issue comes... my eating...

I will eat for convenience... not because I don't like, or don't know how to cook... I love cooking... I enjoy it... and I'm not bad at it... but the sheer energy I need to expend usually ends up outweighing the effort of cooking for one person!  Yes it doesn't help that I am a mega food snob who can't stand a reheated meal (unless it's a pasta dish).  If I want to eat, I want it to be fresh not microwaved/reheated to within an inch of its life...  In fact probably my favourite dish is a nice piece of fish with salad, and at a buffet I will usually go for the salads and cold meats before the hot food, so eating the right food isn't the problem... mostly it's the energy... I have none.

I go back to work after a break on Tuesday... my first shift is until 6.15pm... by the time I get home it's 7pm and it is all that I can do not to fall face first asleep just inside the door.  So what's the answer?  Pick something up?  or... luckily on my late days, I usually drop in for tea at Mum and Dad's.

But it's not just cooking... housework is another... next time you are sprucing up your digs, think on this... what would it be like carrying around 2, 3 or 4 fully grown humans while you were doing your chores?  daunting thought huh... that's my reality.  for every action I take I need to take into consideration at 5'5" I should weight around 49.2 - 66.4 kgs meaning at any given moment I have an average of two extra people on me.  I look around my house and don't know where to start.   Simple chores that you would not even stop to consider can become major hurdles for me.  I'm drowning in detris that I want to fix but am getting lost in...  it's just easier to hide under the covers and say fuck it!  And while the girl in that article expects life to hand her a carer, a cleaner and all points between... I am too proud.  I could never ever bring myself to that point... the idea of a stranger adding to my embarassment makes me want to gag!

I'm not trying to make excuses for myself here... I know what my faults are... and I know that I am the only one who can change them.  Have I considered medical intervention... I certainly have... but then... I have seen how badly things can go wrong for people too so the boat is still out on that one.

We are probably looking to move later this year, and I am actually looking for a place with a pool, or the room for a small pool or swim spa.  I lost most of my weight when I could get to the pool.  Now, there are obviously many pools around the Perth area, but honestly... as much as I like to been seen to 'brush it off', the idea of slithering into the pool like an exhibit at Seaworld scares the living shit out of me... I put up a good front... but the eyes boring into my back and the furtive whispers from behind the hands of strangers is very hard to bear.  The looks a see from even friends and family is enough to make me want to curl up and die, and the worst part about that is... they don't even know they are doing it...

Nothing would please me more than being able to squirrel away enough money to be able to go somewhere for 6-12 months to focus wholly and solely on getting me well.  But unfortunately that like most of my dreams are just flights of fancy and I have to live in the real world.  I wonder what the conditions of being "Too fat to work" and claiming disabilty would be???  <just joking>

If you have found this post repulsive, I understand... its not the most joyous thing I have written... but I feel I need to put it down so that I can accept who I am and do what I need to do...


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 25th, 2015 09:15 pm (UTC)
Not repulsive in the least. Writing is an excellent way to organise your thoughts. Good luck!
Jan. 26th, 2015 03:07 am (UTC)
No, not repulsive, but very brave!

Pools are great, I hope you get one you're comfortable with using.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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